Light Switch.

Growing up, I wanted to surpass all the goals my family set for me. I wanted to jump higher, run faster, and be the best I could be at anything...I mean anything. I wanted to be a success, not only for myself but for my parents as well. I was in competition with myself constantly and of course with my older sister. If she made the all-star team in softball, I made the all-star team and was the starting pitcher. If she played varsity sports in high school, I made the team and started as a freshman. If she made honor society, I did it without studying. She has always been a success, so I knew if I did what she did, only a little faster, then I too would be a success. You have to remember, I always had the advantage, I got to watch her do everything, so all I had to do was perfect her actions. I closely watched what she did and how she did it, and all I had to was improve, even the slightest bit. It really is easier to be the baby of the family, at least when I was a kid.

I went to college and got a practical degree. That was my parents rule, go to college and get a degree that will help you actually get a job! I am thankful I did that. I have a piece of paper, that has opened numerous doors. It makes life a little easier and surprisingly I get a little more respect from others. I also enjoy telling people I got a degree in "coloring inside in the lines." Without fail, it stops people dead in their tracks and look at you like "excuse me?." I then enlighten them that I graduated with elementary education and emphasis on learning disabilities under the special education umbrella. I think I might be the only person on the planet that thinks it is funny that I learned how to color inside the lines in college. Laugh all you want, I actually had a class in college that taught us how to play the recorder and the balance of color when it comes to art. If that isn't coloring inside the lines, I don't know what it is. I am thrilled to say that I graduated from the University of Florida. I am thrilled to say that my parents pushed me to be an asset to society. I am thrilled to say, that I give back (or at least I feel as though, I do).

I use to laugh, when my parents friends would call my mom and complain about their children, who was pregnant and still in high school, who dropped out of college (forgot to withdrawal) and moved across the country, who spent 7 years in college, who got in trouble for drunk driving, who totaled 2 or 3 cars, (the list goes on). My mom never wanted to elaborate on what my sister and I were doing, because normally we were out of trouble, self-sufficient and over-all headed down the right path. Of late, it has been very clear that I have become the family screw up. I am coming to terms with being the family screw up. That is my style, I roll with the punches and that is what I am doing. I don't have a normal steady job that provides benefits, I am in rehab for something ridiculous, and I am distant and/or removed. I have always made decisions based on being the picture of success. Well, I use to make decisions based on the being the picture of success. If you ask my family of how I make decisions of late, they probably say something like "she listens to the way the wind blows or whatever floats her boat at the particular moment."

Recently, while in rehab, I have been coming to the conclusion, that I don't want to work in Corporate America...don't worry people, I also realized I don't want to work in a bar either! Coming out of college, I had a fantastic job. I flew on the corporate jet (on my schedule none the less), I played golf at least twice a week, I worked maybe 30 hours a week (yes, they were really odd hours, but still a rough week was maybe 35 hours). Basically, I had a dream job. I had a job that people would probably kill for. Rehab has been pushing me to get to my core, while I don't really believe I need to be there, it is what it is. It pushes to find things that make you happy (not like vacation things like skiing or laying on the beach or reading a book for leisure). Things that truly matter and also bring a constant smile to your face. In doing so, it has things coming to surface. It has me asking myself, am I going back into corporate America, because I want to live up to this picture of success for my family? Am I going back to work for the right reasons?

I once had a conversation with Wonka, that he didn't like outside sales. His reasoning was as simple as, it is lonely. I never understood it, because you are constantly talking to new people, how on earth could that be lonely? I never argued or debated with him, but I never really thought it made sense. It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday, it had nothing to do with the fact that he was was lonely on the road, it was as simple as it wasn't his calling. It simply didn't make him happy. It didn't reach his core and make him jump out of bed in the morning to go to work. Thats when I asked myself what is it that I strive for? Unfortunately, I came back with a response, that I am yet again going to be the family screw up or at least continue to be the family screw up. I don't really have any desire to be in outside sales. I don't really have any desire to go back to work in food service. Although, I know that isn't really an option, at least not at the this point.

More then likely, I will start back to work in the next three weeks. I will go back to being on the road and visiting with numerous chef's and kitchen managers. There is a pretty good chance that I will slowly climb the ladder at the company and I will be a success again. I am sure my sales will grow in no time at all, people like to buy from me and my company knows that. I am educated (can speak in proper sentences), well rounded, and attractive in a business suit. I will soon be a success at something that isn't happiness at the core, but it looks good on paper (my resume or business card) and it sounds good during conversations with random strangers. I have committed to them and I know what it means to go back on my word. I will at least give them the benefit of the doubt. They have invested me in and I will in turn invest in them.

But it makes me wonder, how is it possible to really be happy? To really acknowledge and make that leap towards happiness. I truly believe that I am on the road or will soon be the road to true happiness. It might take some time to get there, but at least I have a clue how to get there. I am going to listen to a calling, I had when I was about 13. It only took me 13 years to figure that it still matters. Don't worry folks, I am not going to be a professional soccer player or golfer, although, those were some of my goals when I was 13. I am going to listen to my heart and follow a dream that will make a difference. If I was passionate about something then, and have continued to go back to that dream over the past couple of years, why not take that leap and follow the dream?

A big thanks to Wonka, to opening up and letting me see his logic. Whether he meant to do it or not. A big thanks to my family for pushing me to be a success. May you continue to bear with me on my pursuit to happiness. I hope to not be the family screw much longer. Although, I am sure that every family has the token screw up, hopefully my turn will be short lived. After all, success is a journey not a destination. One would think that as many times as I heard that, I would have actually believed it. It took sometime, but something clicked.