Wondering...

Have you ever wondered what life you were/are suppose to lead? The thought has been crossing my mind of late. Am I suppose to be where I am? Am I suppose to be doing the things I am doing? Am I really who I want to be? Am I surrounding myself with good people?

Here is a little background. I was raised in a middle class family with the best values possible. We had dinner together on the majority of nights, except for the days that my sister and I had sporting events. My family would bend over backwards for me and my sister or anyone else that is important to both of us. They are loving and supportive, in all situations. I am sure there were days of disappointment, but I choose to believe they were few and far between. Unknownly, I have challenged my parents will. I am sure I have pushed their buttons, and made them truly questioned what is wrong with their youngest child. I believe in my heart that they trust my judgment and know where I am headed in my life.

I recently had a birthday, and someone said that even years are suppose to be terrible. I just don't see how that is possible. I don't see how anything can be worse then the last year. In a nut shell: I had a home, I was engaged to be married, I had a job that would have made more than my father, I had a great group of friends, I lost a family member, I became the worst communicator known to man. I felt as though I was the picture of a successful young professional a success...and then the electricity went out.

Lately, I have been trying to find myself. I am in a great search to truly find myself, who I am suppose to be, what I am suppose to be doing, and really make an impact on the world. My family has been supportive, ending an engagement, walking away my extremely over paid job, a move across the country, and now the fact that I am actually in rehab (the rehab part is, really the only funny thing). It is crazy and I realize that I have truly tested their unconditional love. It has been quite a year. I have had my share of good stories to tell. I have had fun, enjoyed the party and gotten the chance to experience the wild side. Although, I am not really sure that I am being the best asset to society that I can truly be.

I would like to be back in corporate America. I would like to truly enjoy being and feeling like a success. Helping people and making a difference. My sister is successful, and I pray that I will follow in her foot steps. My life is good, but I wish it was great. I truly believe that things happen for a reason. Between work, fun, and social...I wish things would make a turn for the positive.

I could see myself falling for someone, and then of course I get the petrified that I am going to be burned again. I wish I could really grasp the concept of love like you have never been hurt. I find myself attracted to people who I think will be the perfect candidate. But, I can't commit. I can't give myself (all of myself) to one person, for the fear that I truly don't think I can go through the heart break again. I never was one to crumble easily, and now I am the one who has the door mat quality.

I believe that the right person will sweep me off my feet, and make me never look back. I believe that the right job will fall in my lap (well after rehab). I believe that life will all work out the way it is suppose to! I don't want to doubt life. I don't want to doubt love. I no longer want to be the failure of my family, I'd much rather give that title back to my cousin that is truly deserves it. I want to make a difference and truly be happy. All in all, I just want to make the world a better place. A place for everyone to be truly happy.

I just hope that things start to happen sooner then later. May things work out for all of you as well. Make the year the best it can be. :)